"Those are just words...let me out of the car!"

The title of this post is a line from Before Sunset, and it is how often how I feel when someone gives me certain words of encouragement or even a compliment. Why would I respond in such a negative way to kind words?

Well, I will be 23 this year, and most of the kind thoughts my friends give to me today are the same ones I heard when I was 14. I've been hearing the same words--like how I deserve good things, how patience will reward me, how happy I can make someone else--for over 8 years. The same problems responded by the same answers. Do you understand what this has done to me?

So now, when I hear those words, that's all they are...just words. I appreciate the love and support; I really do...it means a lot to me and I'm glad you have given it to me.

But I guess I'm still longing to hear something new, a new reason for hope. All I've got are words...and it's not really enough anymore.

Such a petty dream.

One morning, freshman year, I saw an old couple walking through campus. Holding hands, they stopped in front of Dwinelle and just stood there for a moment. I was moved to take this picture, and it comes up every now and then on the slideshow I constantly have playing on my sidebar.

I've seen other old couples and families come onto campus...but I always remember these two. It feels so silly to have such a petty dream, but when I saw them was the first time I really knew something I wanted to have one day.

If in 50 years, I'm still here in Berkeley, walking around campus with someone...that's good enough for me.

Video from Eiffel Tower at Midnite

My camera obviously didn't know how to handle the display of flashing lights which occurs every hour during the evening. The result, though, is what I would call an even more beautiful effect.



I hope to be here again, one day...maybe with another person's hand in mine.

10 seconds left…wish you were here.

So I've got 10 seconds left of wi-fi here in my hotel…and like 10 hours left in Rome.

You may or may not know this, but you can publish to Blogger straight from Word 2007. So basically, I'm typing this up in Word, and when I'm done, I will connect for the 10 seconds just to publish. This might fail, haha.

All right, so my last post was about not yet being inspired to come up with some profound thoughts here. Well, today I might have actually had one. However I hesitate to call it "profound" because it is so simple and cliché…but the sincerity and emotion behind it make it, for me, worth stating.

I wish you were here.

Thoughts (or lack thereof) from Italy

So I'm here in the lobby of the Hotel Imperor in Rome, Italy. This trip is going well, so far. I'm doing all the tourist things and seeing all the sights. Like, we got on this double-decker bus that drove us around to all of the tourist traps. So for those of you who would like to know, yesterday, we visited the Spanish Steps; today, we went to the Trevi Fountain (note my tweet to the right), St. Peter's Basilica, the Pantheon, and the Coliseum; and tomorrow, we have plans to see the Forum. We're kinda just going with the flow, no strict plans…we just do whatever and it seems to be going pretty well.

My only disappointment, though, is that I have not found any inspiration as of yet for new and original thoughts. I was kinda hoping that I would get here, and the change in culture would compel me to have something interesting to share. I'll give it another day or two, and if not, maybe Rome just isn't my inspiration. No doubt it is beautiful…just not a match for me.

However, I would like to add a little bit onto my last post, which I'll admit was kinda vague and sloppily put together. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a point of clarification but rather just another point.

The way I felt when watching Before Sunset is the same way I felt when I was watching Michael and Holly during the season finale of The Office. So I guess that can only make things clearer if you have seen both the film and the TV show. I guess there's a few of you. Good enough for me, haha.

Blogging vs. Sleeping for 2 hours

Blogging wins.

So I leave for my trip to Italy, France, and Spain in a couple hours. I guess I'm excited but not excited enough to blog about it just yet. The only thing I have to say right now...I want to have a coffee and a beer in every city I visit.

Now onto what's really on my mind right now. Yesterday, I watched Before Sunset for the fourth or fifth time. That film always speaks to me, but this time, it really hit me hard.

The last time I watched it was during winter break, and I can't say that anything drastically changed over this past semester. But I guess the reason it hit me so hard is because I guess Jesse and Celine's relationship is far from fiction to me. I know that situation...I am Jesse.

You see, this is more than just, "Oh, I can relate to this film." Ya, the beauty of the film is that most people can relate on some level. But seeing the two talk as they stroll through Paris...it's disturbingly similar to what I do. The conversations they have resemble too much the conversations I have...or want to have.

I am doing these things right now, and it scares me.

I don't think I realized how much I was in this film until near the end where Celine and Jesse hug. "I know that hug," I instantly thought to myself. It's happy and sad, arousing and friendly, long and short, clumsy and natural--all at the same time.

Gosh, I'm having a hard time expressing exactly what I mean. Maybe it's because it's 4:30 in the morning. Maybe it's because I don't want to reveal the details of the film...or the details of my personal situation for that matter. Or maybe it's because I haven't given my emotions enough time to transpose themselves into thoughts, yet.

So I'll just table this topic for now, get some sleep, and maybe I'll return to this post when I'm ready.

Don't you know me? Don't you know me by now?

I'm still having trouble coming up with an "original" topic, so I'll just keep on with the quotations. This one comes from a film I have referenced multiple times already, Before Sunrise. It's a poem that kinda took me by surprise when I heard it. I won't give my usual amateur analysis because I think the imagery and emotions are enough in themselves...if you like this sort of thing, anyway. Here's the actual clip with the words below:



Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel
I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Lodged in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

What do we do?

Continuing with my string of quotation based posts, this comes from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

--This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
--I know.
--What do we do?

--Enjoy it.

Over the past couple years, I feel like I've been in many situations in which I've had to ask myself, "What do we do?" Or more commonly, "What now?"

I'm sure you've been there too, so the feeling the comes along with the question is familiar. No matter how much fun I'm having, asking those questions and thinking about the answers can be quite sobering...an unsolicited reality check.

Now I'm not saying that we should not consider the consequences of our actions; it is still important for us to practice good judgment and live responsibly. However, trying to live in the future by worrying about the next step only inhibits truly enjoying life in the present moment.

So whenever those questions try to pull me out of the present, I just remember these lines and do my best to be happy where I am...do my best to have faith that the answers and I will find each another when the time is right.

In this stage of my life post-graduation, faith and patience are probably the most important virtues I must have in order for me not to go crazy during my job search. Yet they are the hardest virtues to come by, especially when I have no idea what I'll be doing in even a few weeks.

Simply stated, to enjoy the present amid great uncertainty is a great act of faith. May you all have the faith you need to live in the moment and enjoy the present.

I'll close with another film quotation from Waking Life:

"There's only one moment. And it's now. And it's eternity."

Fate in Film

Hanging out with Diana tonite, a big chunk of our discussion centered around relationships and fate. When it comes to this topic, I happen to have an arsenal of thoughts that I have collected from some of the films I've seen over the years.

Somehow, in my mind, all of the following quotations are related to one another, and I have synthesized them together to form what I like to call my worldview on fate.

"There are so many things that have to happen for two people to meet." --21 Grams

"The earth turned to bring us closer. It turned on itself and in us, until it finally brought us together in this dream." --Eugenio Montejo poem quoted in 21 Grams

"Do you know what fate is? Fate is building a bridge of chance for someone you love." --My Sassy Girl

"Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others' presence." --Waking Life

"I wouldn't trade our time for anything. That's all we are, the sum of our experiences. Besides, some of the best things in life are total mistakes." --Paycheck

...and so I begin again.

Well, after a few years' absence from the world of blogging, I have returned to share my voice once again. I figure, I'm fully active in the worlds of Facebook and Twitter...so I might as well complete the whole Web 2.0 picture and post some blogs too.

But really, it was probably the encouragement from my Ading April that really got me wanting to do this again. Talking to her, I realized that this might be a good way for me to practice and develop my voice, style of expression, or whatever you want to call it.

Since those Xanga days of yore, I feel like I have matured and collected a lot of experiences, all contributing to a unique perspective that I've found some people actually like to read. I just hope that this doesn't turn out like my Xanga--meaning a mere chronicle of all my adventures/misadventures with girls.

I hope I've got more to talk about now; so here goes...

I think an appropriate first topic would be the title and url of this blog. In case you didn't pick up on it, both are references to the song, "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson. It's a short and sweet love song that has a catchy melody and distinct bass line...basically all the elements that make up half of my favorite songs.

But in this song, she combines this musical sweetness with lyrical sweetness to make something that is memorable on many different levels. I pretty much play this song every time I sit down at a piano or pick up a bass, and I often play it to start off my day.

The first verse of the song is:

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light? I'd find a match.

I don't know how many people notice it, but there is something subtle in the second line of this verse, and to me, it changes the whole meaning of the line and the whole song for that matter in such a beautiful way.

It might be unique to me, but I feel like the more natural line would be "You need a light? I'd have a match." I mean, that's the cliche that we're all used to...it harkens back to those old movies when the romantic hero lights the cigarette for the sultry seductress. That's what I imagine, at least.

But when "I'd have a match" becomes "I'd find a match", the image drastically changes for me. What she is saying now is that she's not going to have the match at that moment, but she will go and get one. And the difference is huge.

You see, they are not perfect for one another just because of who they are and what they already have...rather they are perefect for one another because of their willingness to take the actions to get what the other needs. They are dynamic and participate in one another. They grow together.

So yes, I have expanded this subtlety far beyond what might have been intended, but I think it helps explain my general view of relationships and how I see the world.

I am not a perfect person and neither are you. We probably can't be perfect. But us together...we can become perfect. So we should give it a try.

You need a light?

I'd find a match.