My version of a dream/nightmare

In case you haven't spoken with me recently, I now work in San Francisco in a setting I love in an office that overlooks Market Street. I dress up in business professional everyday and commute on BART to the Civic Center station. And if I ever talked to you about my job goals, that was exactly what I wanted, my version of a dream.



This is the view from my office window, overlooking Market Street and United Nations Plaza. It still feels unreal, even after my first week. People ask me how my work is going, and I end up saying, "I'm living my dream."

/\/\/\

When I woke up yesterday morning, the first thing I did was check my phone to see if I really got the call. That nite, I had a dream that someone called and told me that I'm just not good enough to be loved.

But it didn't feel like a dream. It felt real.

Most people have more substantial fears than that.

I imagine that exact situation so often that I can actually visualize it. I already know what the words would sound like.

So when I hear those words, it doesn't matter where I hear them, in a dream or in my waking life. It's all the same to me. I still woke up feeling more alone than when I went to bed, regardless of whether it happened or not.

I already have these insecurities; I don't need them taking over my dreams too.

Joy and Sorrow

I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow
Til we've seen this journey through.

Lately, I've been feeling good. In fact, I'm almost too good...as if I don't deserve the happiness I've found. I also know that a lot of hate has been put into the world lately, more hate than any person should ever receive.

So how about I share my excess happiness with you and help you forget the hate? Isn't that what life is all about?

It's finally over

I need to remember how I feel right now. This is the perfect time for it to be done...the perfect time to put my guard back up.

I am calm and at peace. The waters are completely still and reflect the beauty of the world around me. So I'm leaving before she has a chance to throw in another pebble.

One pebble causes ripples that last indefinitely...and I don't want to obscure the beauty of the world any longer. I'm out...it's finally over.

I need to remember how I feel right now.

Stealing the kiss...

There are two types of really good kisses in this world:

The "organic" kiss is the natural one. The one that kinda just grows out of the situation. The one where both people know it's coming because both have participated in the steps that led up to the act. Neither really makes a move, yet both kinda make the move together. Very typical, cheesy, and romantic.

But what is even more romantic is the other kind of kiss, the kiss you steal. This is the kiss that no one expected...sometimes not even the one that made the move. It's as if a bomb was dropped, landed on the couple, and well, just exploded. The kiss found them.


I love this picture because it's so easy to tell that this kiss kinda just came out of nowhere. I have it on my wall to remind myself that this level of romance does exist in this world. To let myself know that, even in my lowest of lows, love still exists. And maybe one day, I won't expect it, but someone might want to steal a kiss from me.

Tender Time Bomb Tee

Last nite, I was reminded of a poem I once wrote when I found this t-shirt on etsy.com. The description reads, "My heart ticks in unerring time for you..."

This poem (the only one I ever cared to memorize) has never had a title...not until now:

"Tender Time Bomb"

tick, tock, tick, tock--
a symbol of reliability
in a world most unpredictable.
every second always introduces another
and nothing can stop that.
just like nothing can stop
the next moment we share.
so even if i cannot tell you
who, what, how, where, or why...
i can always tell you
i'm a few second closer than before.

Rhythm. Melody. Harmony.

If you think I'm talking about a song, you're mistaken. Over the past few months, there has been a recurring theme in every other conversation I have had. Somehow or another, we end up expressing the importance of music in our lives, both listening and playing.

At first glance, sure I'm just a music geek. But there's more to it than that. There's a reason why the topic comes up so often. It's the same reason why all of my closest friends are musically inclined.

Music is more than something I do for fun. To me, I live, think, and love in terms of music...both in the literal sense and in a more abstract sense as well.

The rhythm of seeing the people you love.
The melody of a good conversation, of laughter.
The harmony of drama, conflict, and eventually...resolution.

This is the way I think and see the world. And I know I'm not alone. To put it simply, life and love are music.

It is so important to me to surround myself and be with people who are like-minded and live similarly. I am so grateful that, with my closest friends, we can connect on this level. It comes both in our jam sessions but in our other "sessions"...the ones where we have opened up our hearts and souls to one another. In some ways, we speak another language. Thank you all for teaching it to me. Thank you for the music.

I'll close with one of my tweets from Aug. 18 in which I mentioned "playing music"...

Looking back over my life, I most remember the times playing music w/the ppl I love.

Hellos, goodbyes & lost souls

Compelled by the circumstances of my closest friends (which in turn have become my own circumstances), I would like to share with you the closing part of a "hello/goodbye" letter I wrote years ago.

Let it be stated that, yes, I did write this to a particular person. I smudged out the parts that were specific to this person and our relationship in an effort to keep the focus on myself and what I believe. So on the chance that these words look strangely familiar to you, know that this post was not for you but rather for all whom I love.

I call this a "hello/goodbye" letter because, in retrospect, I see that upon writing to say goodbye, I greeted a new phase of my life. Life went on with hellos wrapped up in every goodbye.

/\/\/\

Ok, I'm going to be really honest now...this is what I really hope.

...you'll realize that in this world, yes, we can do well independently and on our own...but we have hearts and souls. I know you don't want to "need" anyone, but really...that's how we make anything worthwhile. Without other people, what are we?

A bunch of lost souls.

One day, I hope you...realize this, that you might actually be ok with needing someone.

...

And guess what? I find a small bit of satisfaction in saying that if you're looking for me one day, I may or may not be there. Who knows how far I will have moved from you.

And so, in an effort to find my lost soul, I'm going to walk away from you. And I'll try not to look back to see if you're following, but it would be nice to search together one day.

...(bites lip), goodbye.

Always,
David

/\/\/\

I mentioned saying hello to a new phase and well, I now see that this letter was the beginning of one of the most important lessons in my life right now--the importance of being appreciated and not being taken for granted.

Each of us, including myself, is special and should be appreciated as a person. And sometimes a person, out of love, will take the risk, go out on a limb, and give up parts of themselves to another for free...not knowing whether or not the love will be returned. Some of you have never had to do this...but the rest of us--we do it every day.

It is unfair to assume that this person will always be there. It is unfair to take the love a person gives without recognizing the heart-wrenching courage and strength that went into giving it. It is unfair to make a person feel like s/he is special to you when you really just generically accept the love as just another friendship.

We are all wonderful, beautiful people. Please don't ever take the people who love you for granted...or else they might just end up walking away.

ONCE. But take a second look.

I watched ONCE last nite with some friends of mine. I'd seen it three times before, but I must say this was particularly enjoyable because all of us connected as musicians. As Brian and I said several times about the film, "This is what we do." It helped me to realize the beauty of what we do almost every day.

Anyway, I came home and was playing some through some of the songs. Looking at the DVD cover and the cover of the songbook, I noticed something interesting. Check it out.

DVD cover:

Songbook cover:

Notice any changes between the two? (Hint: Look at their hands.)

They hold hands in one but not the other! I don't really know what to make of this so I have no insight to offer.

So I thought I'd open it up to you all. What are your thoughts or comments on this? I'm really interested to see what you come up with.