Deja vu

Flipping through the pages of my real journal (you know, the pen-and-paper kind), I came upon this little ditty from Jan. 28, 2007:

To tell the truth, though, if you asked me specifically why I like her, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I mean, we don't really have a whole lot in common, but there's just something about her that makes my heart jump every time I see her.

Believe me, this is something I've definitely thought about, and I'm always trying to justify my feelings for her, and I keep getting no answers. But then again, I trust my heart because she's the first girl I've really let myself like in college, and I don't think I'd let down my guard for just about anybody.

I couldn't tell you why but this girl is special to me. And you know what? I'm gonna stop questioning it. I like this girl a lot and that's all there is to it.

Sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason. Sometimes all you need is a genuine feeling, and that is its own reason.

/\/\/\

I won't burden you with the details, but these feelings ran their course, and yes, I am now aware of the dangers and flaws of my reasoning. So naturally, my romantic ideals were challenged, and I abandoned some of them along the way.

The funny thing is that two years later, I somehow found my way back to this same course. I attempted to find what I had left behind, and instead only found the stale, bitter remnants of the love and hope I used to feel.

But it's not all gone yet. Not just yet.

Metaphor #5

Love is...

My bass guitar amp broke today...right when I needed it most. I was about to perform...then out of nowhere, thing just doesn't turn on. After performing, I was going to eat, but I set aside my plans so I could go home and figure out what was wrong.

After taking it apart, I had no better understanding of what exactly happened. Several times, I considered giving up and just getting the amp repaired...or replacing it altogether.

Then in a moment of inspiration, I found myself working around the problem. I pulled out wires and put wires together...and eventually got it working again.

Sure, it's not the same exact amp I started with--the on/off switch no longer serves a purpose & there is a slight buzzing noise--but the fact is it still works and it's better than nothing.

I think no less of it just because it's not as glamorous as I would like it to be. In the end, all I want to do is make music.

Metaphor #4

Love is...

When people ask me what music class to take, I always suggest Music 116: Jazz Theory and Performance.

When they naturally ask why, I immediately respond, "Because it's hard! But it's good for you."

My Gift to You: I Give It Gladly

Maybe only so much love can exist in this world. If my ongoing struggle to find it means there's more for everyone I care about, I would be ok with that.

When I see a friend who deserves to be loved so much more than me, it's hard for me to take my petty problems seriously at all.

If I could take the love that's destined for me and give it to you, my friend...I would do it gladly.

Something I Wrote Years Ago…and It’s Still Me.

"What I want"

I want to kiss your forehead.
I want to sit with you in the silence.
I want to hold your hand.
I want to make fun of you.
I want you to make fun of me.
I want you to take some initiative.
I want you to see that I smile when I see you.
I want you to respond when I touch your arm.
I want you to be unafraid of me.
I want to be comfortable gazing into your eyes.
I want us to have a moment.
I want us to be inseparable.
I want us to have security, even when we're not together.
I want us to eat together.
I want to enjoy the sun with you.
I want to sing songs to you.
I want to sing songs with you.
I want to tell you you're beautiful.
I want to hold you in my arms.
I want to buy you gifts just because.
I want you to like it if I do cheesy things.
I want to put up with your flaws.
I want you to put up with mine.
I want to call you all the time, and not be annoying.
I want you to listen.
I want to listen to you.
I want to try to understand you.
I want you to try to understand me.
I want to watch a romantic movie with you.
I want you to make me a better person.
I want it to be hard for me to say "Bye."
I want to go to church with you.
I want to talk to you about everything.
I want to talk to you about nothing.
I want you to be more aggressive than me.
I want you to feel safe when you're with me.
I want us to be independent, yet still need each other.
I want to wipe away your tears.
I want you to teach me.
I want you to be patient while I learn from you.
I want us to "make sense."
I want you to have as dimensions as me.
I want you to be my motivation.
I want you to be my inspiration.
I want you to seize the day with me.
I want others to be jealous of us.
I want to know that you think of me too.
I want to make you laugh.
I want to share my umbrella with you.
I want you to put your head on my shoulder.
I want us to be unique.
I want us to be a cliché.
I want you to call me at 3 o'clock in the morning.
I want us to trust each other.
I want to eat ice cream with you.
I want to meet you after class.
I want us to do homework together.
I want it to be okay for me to want you.
I want you to want me.

One More Metaphor

Love is...
One of my favorite books is Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain by Oliver Sacks. In it, there is the true story of Clive Wearing, a man with severe amnesia and brain damage. He has no memory of his past and has a short-term memory of only 7 seconds.

Yet he has retained his ability to read music, play piano, and even conduct a choir. A man you can hardly have a conversation with is able to perform long pieces of music perfectly.

From the book:

"It may be that Clive, incapable of remembering or anticipating events because of his amnesia, is able to sing and play and conduct music because remembering music is not, in the usual sense, remembering at all. Remembering music, listening to it, or playing it, is entirely in the present."

Clive has only two sources of continuity in his life: his love for music and his love for Deborah, his wife.

"In some ways, he is not anywhere at all; he has dropped out of space and time altogether. He no longer has any inner narrative; he is not leading a life in the sense that the rest of us do. And yet one has only to see him at the keyboard or with Deborah to feel that, a such times, he is himself again and wholly alive."

Two Metaphors

Love is...

One of my guilty pleasures is Chocolate Yan Yan. I think I enjoy it so much because yes, it is delicious, but it also reminds me of being 6, eating Yan Yan.

When I eat Chocolate Yan Yan, I get lost in my own world, lost in a memory. I feel safe--like nothing bad can ever happen to me.

/\/\/\

Love is...

My most recent musical "discovery" is free jazz and collective improvisation. My music professor once told a story about a performance he did with one other person:

"We trusted each other. We followed each other. I let him go from me. I came back to him."

And there is music, such beautiful music, amidst the chaos.

Oh Happy Mistake!

In Latin, there is a phrase, "Oh felix culpa!" (like Felix the Cat) which can be loosely translated as "Oh happy mistake!"

I can't stop thinking about the honest mistake that was made the other day and what I think I might have heard. It was a mistake, yes, but when it comes to the strange happiness I get from it, there's no mistake about that.

I am reminded of a film quotation from Paycheck:

"You asked me the strangest question."
"What?"
"If I knew it wouldn't work out between you and I, before we were together, would I have done it?"
"What did you say?"
"That I wouldn't trade our time for anything...that's all we are the sum of our experiences. Besides, some of the best things in life are total mistakes."

/\/\/\

Well, I hope this mistake turns out to be one of those best things.

I am taking a step forward or I have lost my mind entirely

My friends, I now have an OkCupid profile. Yup, I did it.

Yesterday, a dear friend of mine received a call...and I watched as her boyfriend made her heart melt over the phone.

I was jealous, I'll admit, but not for the obvious reason. I was upset just because it was as easy as him saying, "You're beautiful" and she was happy.

I want that. I want to make her happy too.

I have always wanted someone to take me the way I am (hell, that's the inspiration for the name of this blog), but despite all my efforts over too many years, I've never melted any hearts or made anyone as happy as she was at that instant.

So now maybe I need this change in myself and in my lifestyle. Enough of this meeting people "organically" through organizations and friends. Maybe this online dating thing is the answer.