Optimism

My first post in a series I call:
Why The Heck Did I Say That?
In this series, I will revisit some of my cryptic (more-or-less) Tweets and/or Facebook Status Updates and try to flesh them out, try to find a more concrete meaning in them. And perhaps in so doing, meaning will find you too.

Appropriately for this first post, I went back to my very first Tweet and went forward in time until I found something worth an explanation. I found two which go together quite well...

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Gonna go to bed now...before I get too emo and put something online that I'll regret tomorrow, haha. 3:44 AM Jun 2nd, 2009

"You have to anticipate the positive." -A practical meaning of "optimism" from Giants' commentator Mike Krukow. 8:33 PM Jul 3rd, 2009

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For better or worse, I care a lot about how I appear. The most superficial example is how I choose my outfits. Every day before work, I go through a routine which involves creating some sort of plan, discerning the best color scheme, and assembling an outfit out of what I happen to have in my closet.

I put a lot of effort into this process and take pride in the final result. You see, my clothes are not just something I slap on to look nice. To me, my clothes are an expression of who I am, and I believe that being proud of my outfit helps bring out the best in me.

Now let's expand this example more generally...not just how I look but let's also include what I say, how I interact with other people, and my overall demeanor. Although I don't necessarily have the same routines or formulas in place, I still make a conscious effort to appear somewhat polished, confident, and optimistic.

But I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I have a rough day or week. Sometimes, I stay up late, reflecting and thinking until I drive myself a little crazy. Sometimes, my efforts slip and I lose my level-head, usually resulting in some sort of unnecessarily emotional or personal Tweet or status update, or in person, I will be standoffish or passive-aggressive. Yes, no doubt you've seen me like that.

But I believe that these slip-ups are the exception...not the norm. For every one of my "emo" updates, I have a multitude of updates that try to provide hope, inspire, or at least share a happy moment. I'm pretty sure one of the most common words I use on my Twitter is "haha".

So when someone tells me that I'm being a downer and that I should quit being so depressing and mopey, I get really upset. All of a sudden, my efforts to keep my appearance generally happy are irrelevant. All of a sudden, I am being judged by the moments in my life when I was weakest. And that hurts.

I hope for the best...it's not always easy for me, but I still do it. And for someone to focus on my exceptions and label me as "emo" or "negative" is plain not fair. The part of myself that I am proud of is being ignored.

The end result of this judgment is not recognizing that, above it all, I genuinely always hope for and expect the best. Some of you still may not believe me when I say that, and rightfully so, since it's hard for me to believe it myself sometimes.

But then I think about how I function in this world, and I really do expect the best out of each situation. I'm not talking about a cheery disposition and wearing a smile and all that outwardly happy stuff. I'm talking about how my expectations are fundamental to who I am and the decisions I make.

Every step I take has its footing on anticipating the positive. I set my future based on uncertain successes:

I always remained relaxed about school because I anticipated that I would pass all my classes and graduate. I am staying with my job because I anticipate that more doors will open to me and I will find my true career calling. I invested all my strength into certain relationships with certain people because I anticipated that my feelings would be reciprocated. I get myself out of bed in the morning because I anticipate that the day will be worth it.

If I were truly a negative person, I would never get anywhere.

So you see, optimism is not even a choice for me. On some level, optimism is me, the reason I continue to exist; it's the reason I can still have things like faith, hope...love.

It's the force that drives me forward even when I feel like the world pushes me back.

So please don't say I don't have it. Please don't ignore me.