Optimism

My first post in a series I call:
Why The Heck Did I Say That?
In this series, I will revisit some of my cryptic (more-or-less) Tweets and/or Facebook Status Updates and try to flesh them out, try to find a more concrete meaning in them. And perhaps in so doing, meaning will find you too.

Appropriately for this first post, I went back to my very first Tweet and went forward in time until I found something worth an explanation. I found two which go together quite well...

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Gonna go to bed now...before I get too emo and put something online that I'll regret tomorrow, haha. 3:44 AM Jun 2nd, 2009

"You have to anticipate the positive." -A practical meaning of "optimism" from Giants' commentator Mike Krukow. 8:33 PM Jul 3rd, 2009

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For better or worse, I care a lot about how I appear. The most superficial example is how I choose my outfits. Every day before work, I go through a routine which involves creating some sort of plan, discerning the best color scheme, and assembling an outfit out of what I happen to have in my closet.

I put a lot of effort into this process and take pride in the final result. You see, my clothes are not just something I slap on to look nice. To me, my clothes are an expression of who I am, and I believe that being proud of my outfit helps bring out the best in me.

Now let's expand this example more generally...not just how I look but let's also include what I say, how I interact with other people, and my overall demeanor. Although I don't necessarily have the same routines or formulas in place, I still make a conscious effort to appear somewhat polished, confident, and optimistic.

But I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I have a rough day or week. Sometimes, I stay up late, reflecting and thinking until I drive myself a little crazy. Sometimes, my efforts slip and I lose my level-head, usually resulting in some sort of unnecessarily emotional or personal Tweet or status update, or in person, I will be standoffish or passive-aggressive. Yes, no doubt you've seen me like that.

But I believe that these slip-ups are the exception...not the norm. For every one of my "emo" updates, I have a multitude of updates that try to provide hope, inspire, or at least share a happy moment. I'm pretty sure one of the most common words I use on my Twitter is "haha".

So when someone tells me that I'm being a downer and that I should quit being so depressing and mopey, I get really upset. All of a sudden, my efforts to keep my appearance generally happy are irrelevant. All of a sudden, I am being judged by the moments in my life when I was weakest. And that hurts.

I hope for the best...it's not always easy for me, but I still do it. And for someone to focus on my exceptions and label me as "emo" or "negative" is plain not fair. The part of myself that I am proud of is being ignored.

The end result of this judgment is not recognizing that, above it all, I genuinely always hope for and expect the best. Some of you still may not believe me when I say that, and rightfully so, since it's hard for me to believe it myself sometimes.

But then I think about how I function in this world, and I really do expect the best out of each situation. I'm not talking about a cheery disposition and wearing a smile and all that outwardly happy stuff. I'm talking about how my expectations are fundamental to who I am and the decisions I make.

Every step I take has its footing on anticipating the positive. I set my future based on uncertain successes:

I always remained relaxed about school because I anticipated that I would pass all my classes and graduate. I am staying with my job because I anticipate that more doors will open to me and I will find my true career calling. I invested all my strength into certain relationships with certain people because I anticipated that my feelings would be reciprocated. I get myself out of bed in the morning because I anticipate that the day will be worth it.

If I were truly a negative person, I would never get anywhere.

So you see, optimism is not even a choice for me. On some level, optimism is me, the reason I continue to exist; it's the reason I can still have things like faith, hope...love.

It's the force that drives me forward even when I feel like the world pushes me back.

So please don't say I don't have it. Please don't ignore me.

Inspired

During my commute on BART this morning, I was listening to To The Best Of Our Knowledge, and I would like to share with you an excerpt from this episode. It's been a while since my last post, and well, these are actually the words that inspired me to begin writing here again:

"The greatest healing is to give yourself away, to use yourself up before you die. And really, if you can get yourself on the page so clean and clear that it communicates, you give yourself up. It's over. You've given your life to the page and to other people...which is really wonderful."

--Natalie Goldberg, author of Old Friend From Far Away: The Practice of Writing Memoir, episode titled "From Suburbia to Surreal: Writer's Lives"