"I don't want a straw. I want real human moments."

One day, I will memorize this "Ants" monologue from Waking Life.



Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant. You know?
I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continuously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us.
Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there.
All action basically for survival.
All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner.
"Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?" "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?"
I don't want a straw. I want real human moments.
I want to see you. I want you to see me.
I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?

/\/\/\

I know we've all been there. Most of us call it being stuck in a rut or being bored with life. Eventually though, something happens to jostle us and snap us out of it, remind us that we are, in fact, alive and have souls.

But for me, sure I've had my ups and downs as I've always had...but in 2 years, nothing has snapped me out of it. Or more appropriately, nothing lets me snap out of it. It's like I have novocaine in my soul, and that's the way the universe wants it to be.

One of my favorite church songs is "The Servant Song" because it is such a beautiful expression of who we are to one another and who I want to be. In this version, the 4th verse (my favorite) almost brings me to tears.

I long to feel again, to love and be loved, to laugh and cry and not feel like I'm doing it alone.



Will you let me be your servant?
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I may have the grace
To let you be my servant too.

We are pilgrims on a journey.
We are travelers on the road.
We are to help each other,
Walk the mile, and bear the load.

I will hold the Christ light for you
In the nighttime of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you,
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow
'Til we've seen this journey through.

When we sing to God in Heaven
We shall find such harmony.
Born of all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony.

Oh geez I wrote this nearly exactly two years ago…

i want this to happen, but strangely enough, my friends want it to happen too.  maybe it's because when i talk about you, they see how genuinely happy i am, and they want to see me happy.  right now, just the thought of you brings a smile to my face and brightens my eyes a little.  it's a little pathetic and a bit cheesy, but the way i feel right now, even though nothing has happened yet...well, it truly is the happiest i've ever been, relative to how i usually am of course.  you have chased the dark thoughts out of my head and replaced them with bright skies.

and the possibility of it getting even better...it's both exciting and scary.

/\/\/\

This comes from the July 30, 2007 post on my now abandoned Xanga. The funny thing is, many of these sorts of genuinely romantic thoughts and hopes have now been abandoned as well.

I mean, it's silly of me to attribute so much happiness to one person, right? It only sets me up to be hurt, and that's what has happened…multiple times.

Yet I still get this way sometimes; I let my guard down and feel happiness I know I shouldn't feel. Except now, I have learned. I have been conditioned to feel uneasy and nauseous …I guess this is my body's defense from my heart.

So now, anything that resembles this kind of happiness (or heaven forbid—love) also comes hand-in-hand with an overwhelming sickness and actual physical desire to vomit.

Ironic how I have come to expect the worst from those who bring out the best in me.

Mmm Spam

I feel the need to lighten the mood of this blog with a Monty Python sketch that I've always enjoyed. I'm not really a Monty Python fan, but I love ridiculousness and spam...

Progress

Somehow, I am learning. I have finally started to extract lessons from my previous experiences and from all the repetition so that I won't repeat myself again. This is supposed to be good.

Then how come I don't feel any better about myself? It's like growing means I have to stifle myself from being too kind or too nice or too giving. I mean, that's what I've learned; I can't give myself away for free. I can't let anyone take me for granted because I'm worth more than that. This is supposed to be good.

Now, when I want to be a caring person for someone I love, I need to stop for a moment and ask myself the implications and consequences of my actions. I need to question my motivations and consider whether or not kindness is a "good" idea. This is supposed to be good.

I am growing up and starting to let go of my unrealistic romantic expectations. I am becoming a mature adult who knows that some things are more important than my feelings. I am learning that opening up to another means I run the risk of being taken advantage of, not being understood, or not being appreciated as much as I would hope...and that risk is becoming less and less worth it.

This is supposed to be good. My life is supposed to be better now.

My Funny Brown Pinay

Tonight, I finally got the chance to see a jazz artist I've been wanting to see, Charmaine Clamor. I like her not just for the novelty of her being Filipina, but because she actually incorporates her Filipina identity into her music.

If you heard my Pil-Grad speech, then you might remember I said that to be an advocate of our community, all you have to do is be aware of who you are and your influences in whatever you do. And I think Charmaine Clamor is a great example of a person who has done just this.

Take this video, which is her rendition of the classic tune, "My Funny Valentine". The song is originally about a person who is not pretty in the typical sense but is still beautiful. In this version, "My Funny Brown Pinay", the lyrics now take on a different meaning, expressing the struggle of Filipina women in a white-dominated society.



She has released three albums, all three of which I now own. If you wanna hear more, just let me know, and you can have a listen.

Doing us both a favor

Sometimes, not acting is the best thing to do. Please don't mistake my lack of response as hostility. I still care about you, but you know as well as I what will happen as soon as we see each other again; don't fool yourself into believing it will be different this time.

I know what I want. Maybe someday, you'll figure out what you want. And if it turns out we want the same thing, then that's when you should call me. That would be nice.

Song Scribbles

Every now and then, I'll be sitting at my desk and something inspires a song lyric or idea in me. I then proceed to scribble these ideas on whatever paper I have lying around. Most of these ideas end up turning into nothing, but I thought I'd share with you the latest scrap of paper made into victim of my words:


In case you can't read my handwriting, I've got three ideas here:

Sighs vs. Take breath away
Why am I here again?
I know how this story ends; I've been here before.